Popscholar

1. Tomorrow night I am meeting Bearette for dinner in NYC.
2. We are having Indian food (which I love).
3. I took a three hour nap this afternoon; this full-time work thing is a tough transition!
4. I have decided that next year I'm going to go to school full-time; I am determined to find a way to make it work.
5. Change and the unknown often feel scary to me, but lately I feel more excited than scared.
6. Last night DD and I went to see a play at the Philly Fringe Fest -- Neil LaBute's Fat Pig.
7. It was about a yuppie who falls for an oversized librarian; he must reconcile his genuine feelings for her with the societal pressure to date a thinner woman.
8. It was harsh, but well-done.
9. At the play I ran into a kid I went to high school with; I hadn't seen him in 11 years.
10. He was the boy that figured most prominently into my adolescent fantasies. 
11. He was still cute and charismatic.
12. His girlfriend produced the show, which is why they were there.
13. Two former students have already approached me for college recommendation letters.  I will happliy oblige since they are awesome guys.  One is applying early to NYU and the other is applying early to Princeton.

Today was my first day of school.  Granted it was only teachers, but, as of tomorrow, I'm officially back in the classroom.  Three quarters of my day was spent being talked at by adminstrators and, consequently, I'm not feeling particularly inspired.

Our new principal is ultra-worried about state test scores and, in a backhanded way, advocated teaching to the test.  Needless to say, I already have my reservations about him.

I'm not sure where all of my ambivalence about going back is coming from this year.  I'm sure part of it is that I know precisely where I want to go and I'm frustrated that I can't get there sooner.

Saturday night a good friend of mine had a party.  I was feeling super-anxious about school and, as a result, my stomach was acting up.  I wasn't in a space where I wanted to be loud and celebratory, and I felt like a drag.  So I beat myself up about it and spent a good deal of the late night crying and worrying about what was "wrong" with me.

It's hard to be stuck in a situation, even temporarily, that doesn't feel completely congruent.  But I know I compound the difficulty by being really hard on myself.   

As I begin the school year, I'm determined to try and be a little gentler.  Ironically, it's when I need it most that I let self-care go by the wayside... 

1. The last book I read was self-help-y in nature; it was called The Highly Sensitive Person in Love.
2. I am highly sensitive, but, at times, I hide it well.
3. I am consciously trying to be a better person.
4. It's hard work.
5. Right now, my one cat is driving me nuts because he keeps walking in front of the computer screen.
6. I don't believe that therapy is only for the "sick."
7. Lately I've been thinking a lot about my favorite grandma who died over three years ago.
8. I'm not sure why.
9. I am trying to be okay even when I don't have complete control over circumstances.
10. Having faith that things will work out is really tough for me.
11. I greatly admire people who have had to overcome severe adversity in their lives.
12. Even though the world overwhelms me too often and I can feel at loose ends, I am realizing that I lead a pretty charmed life in many respects.
13. I sometimes think about who would play whom if my novel were ever to be made into a movie.

I got home from vacation and, after a week of Internet depravation, logged onto the computer to find that Yahoo! (my opening page) had added a big apple graphic to its header.  Alas, it's Back-to-School season, and I feel less ready this year than I have in quite a while.

Part of my feeling resistant undoubtedly has to do with the fact that I'm changing directions and impatience is setting in; I want to be a counselor, I want to work with people on my own terms, and I want to put all of my energy there NOW.  The reality, however, is that I have to go back to school and deal with a bunch of administrators who try to tell me how to do my job when they don't know their asses from their elbows.  Sorry to be crude.

Once I get in my classroom and start interacting with my students, I'm sure my attitude will improve.  For right now, though, I am trying to savor every last bit of summer while I still can. 

__________

My vacation was spectacular.  We had beautiful weather the entire week and all I did was read, swim, lounge on the beach, eat, and relax.  

I barely even thought about school.

Incidentally, once I get my act together, I will post some pictures (they're currently on my laptop).

__________

In other news:

I had my first Counseling Psych grad class tonight.  It was great; in fact, the prof and I are completely on the same wavelength in terms of our interests.  This bodes well.

A friend from childhood recently found me on Myspace.  She's back in Philly after a somewhat harrowing couple of years and we're having lunch on Thursday.  Sometimes you reconnect with old friends and it becomes painfully apparent immediately that you have nothing in common in the present day.  However, I just got off the phone with A and it felt like we picked back up right where we left off.  Our senses of humor always bonded us as kids and we still had that connection.  It was a nice surprise.

I look forward to catching up with all of you soon. 

1. Last night I went to see The Oh in Ohio, a comedy about a woman who can't have an orgasm.
2. I don't have her problem.
3. I think the concept of "vibrating panties" is absolutely hilarious, but I would never wear them.
4. I adore Parker Posey (she was in the flick last night).
5. I'm sure part of it has to do with the fact that she looks a lot like my old therapist, whom I also adored.
6. One actress who really annoys me is Cameron Diaz.
7. All of my close women friends are feeling types.
8. I'm sure this isn't a coincidence.
9. Perhaps it's un-PC to admit, but I get more upset when I see homeless animals than I do when I see homeless people.
10. Last night I dreamt that AIDS could be contracted as easily as the common cold.  It was freaky.  (Anyone want to analyze?!)
11. I find hospitals and nursing homes among the most depressing places.
12. I have a general aversion to "cafeteria food."  (I know, it's not logical...)
13. I love to shop for fall clothes because the earth tones are so appealling.