Popscholar

Recently I've been struggling with overcoming the habit of needing to "hold my ground" in conflict.  There's a big part of me that, when I feel like I've been wronged, needs for there to be some accountability on the part of the other party.  It seems that too often this is my priority despite the fact that, from an objective standpoint, I recognize that it's not about "winning."

Last week I put myself out there in a very vulnerable way; instead of operating from my head, I entered into the unguarded territory of heartspace.  It was hard as hell, but I knew it was what I needed to do.  After talking to a couple of close friends and considering the wisdom of Patty Griffin (who says "There's nothing left at all in the end of being proud" and "In the battle of time and the battle of will, it is only your hope and your heart that get killed"), I forged ahead.

What I got back was not what I would have hoped for.  My efforts were met with apathy at best -- certainly not appreciation.  And that was really tough.

I know that it's best to try to let go of the need for what would have been a preferable response, but that is incredibly difficult.  Doing what I needed to do for ME was a definite step (and I'm proud of myself for not compromising my own integrity), but it still hurts to feel rebuffed.

Have you all had similar experiences?  How have you handled them? 

1. I just got back from Back-to-School Night.
2. I am exhausted.
3. Tomorrow night is Sex Dwarf and I can't wait.
4. I haven't written much since school has started.
5. I feel badly about that.
6. I've been focusing on my class in my free time.
7. Saturday G and I are going to visit his mom.
8. I can't wait for the movie Little Children to come out.
9. My stomach really hurts tonight.
10. I think I am going to get my hair cut.
11. I don't want it too short -- maybe shoulder length.
12. Change is good once in a while.
13. I love my therapist's dog (her office is in the front of her house and she lets him come in during the sessions sometimes).

I have a really hard time determining when someone of the opposite sex is showing interest in me, so I tend to write off come-ons.  As far as men are concerned these days, it's nothing more than flattering, as I'm happily married.  Still, though, I enjoy the ego-boost that comes with unexpected validation.  It makes me feel like my "hotness quotient" has increased ever-so-slightly.

There's this adorable guy in my Counseling Psych course.  He's made a habit of sitting next to me the last two classes.  Yesterday, when we were deciding how long to wait for the prof, he ended up following me out (I waited around longer than most).  In the elevator on the way down, he made sure that I knew his name by reintroducing himself to me.

Once we reached the ground floor and headed out of the building, he said something to the effect of, "Looks like we have some free time.  Are you gonna head home or do you want to go get something to eat?" 

Was that just friendly?  Or was it something more?   

Since I wasn't sure how to navigate the scenario, I politely declined, saying that I had papers to grade at home and could really use the extra time.  

What would you have done? 

Last night I got to my Counseling Psych class early.  People started to trickle in as it neared five o'clock.  Before long, the room was full.  A woman I'm becoming friendly with came over and sat down next to me and we got talking (she's a fellow teacher who's dissatisfied with her school situation). Suddenly I realized that is was 5:15 and our professor hadn't shown up.  By 5:20 people really started to wonder.  By 5:40 we all left.

It seemed odd that she wouldn't have left a note on the door or sent an email if it wasn't some last minute emergency, so we were all a little worried.

When I got home from class I decided that it was time to set up my school email account (which I'd been too lazy to do) because that was the way that she'd been in touch when there was a classroom change the week before (which a bunch of us had heard from others -- we hadn't checked our university mail).  When I finally got into my inbox, however, there were no messages.

After doing a little research, I came to realize that there is another student with my exact name.  So my email is not the usual, default email (firstname.lastname@university.edu).  Some other AK has apparently been getting my mail.

I emailed the prof to correct the problem and later got back both a personal message (thanking me for alerting her to the issue) and a long apology letter to the class.  Apparently Bill Cosby was on campus doing a seminar during our meeting time.  Our prof had left a note on the classroom door earlier in the day telling us to come over to the seminar.  However, someone removed the note, and we all left. 

So, I missed The Coz, in all of his ugly-sweater-wearing glory.  But it's okay because I've never really felt the love, especially after my husband and I were booted from a table at a local restaurant the day after our wedding because Dr. Huxtable couldn't wait to get his tagliatelle.

In the event that I start to get sad later, I'll just have G do his stellar impersonation and my heart will go on. 

Tonight G and I returned from our weekend jaunt up to NYC.  We'd originally made plans to go up to meet the fiance of G's high school friend, A.  In the time that we've been together (7 years), A has had about seven different girlfriends, all of whom have been pretty high maintenance (the last one dropped that she paid two grand for her Prada purse within the first ten minutes of meeting me).  Needless to say, we were more than a tad curious about the woman he'd finally chosen to marry.

I'm happy to report that she was sophisticated without the pretense, and dinner table convo did not revolve around boutique shopping. 

A and A took us to eat at this swanky place called Buddha Bar which set us back considerably.  It was tasty, but G and I were in agreement that we've had better meals in Philly for half the price.

On Friday night ENFPs united for Indian food in the Village; Bearette and I finally met in person, along with our respective husbands, D and G.  We ate at Surya and, coincidence of all coincidences, G and I had actually been there before!  Last week I suggested Indian to B and she picked the place.  When G and I arrived, we realized that we'd eaten there several years ago when we were visiting a friend of mine who was at Columbia at the time.  For about a minute, NYC felt small!

Dinner was tasty and it was great to visit with B and D.  After G and I proved to them that not everyone from The City of Brotherly Love is fat from gluttonous cheesesteak consumption, we got chatting about myriad topics.  Conversation veered from talk of my and B's novels (and our feeling like outcasts amidst the highly lyrical and pretentious writers of the literary "scene") to film to food to pornography (I hope I didn't scare anyone with my sometimes off-color sense of humor!). 

Saturday G and I went to the MoMA and then did a little shopping afterward.  My greatest find was a store called Barami that we're deprived of here in Philly.  It's classy but affordable and I ended up splurging a little on myself.  I bought a really nice brown twinset and a teal, close-fitting turtleneck with three quarter-length sleeves.  I love when salespeople are honest; I was originally going to buy the shirt in a yellow color but the woman convinved me that it made me look washed-out.  She suggested the blue "to go with [your] eyes" so I got that instead.  It was definitely a good decision.

Today we headed over to Brooklyn to meet my friend G and her boyfriend M for bunch.  It had been two years since G and I had seen each other; we went to Penn together and, after teaching for a couple of years, she went back to school at Columbia.  It was fun to catch up and to meet her new man. 

After a super breakfast at a Euro-style cafe, we parted ways; G and I walked across the Brooklyn Bridge and spent the afternoon trolling around in The Strand and Shakespeare and Co. Booksellers before heading home.

Bed is now calling...loudly.